Personal Boundaries

As an only child, I was raised to be an overachiever. My parents only had me, so they always put all their high hopes on their only little daughter. Of course, they always meant well, but the way I was raised made me a people-pleaser because I always needed to be the best in everything and with everyone.

I grew up to deal with the world as an external validation source. I always needed to be friendly with everyone and prioritize everyone's needs above mine, even when it was affecting me and causing me problems. The fact that I did not have any sisters or brothers always put me in a position where I needed my friends to like me no matter what because I did not have anyone else.

It took me years to realize that I needed to come first and that not everyone around me deserves the same treatment. Being a people-pleaser is not something that you can quickly get rid of. It takes years of learning how to get your validation from within, how to let go of toxic relationships, and how to realize that you have the right to say NO. Being kind is fantastic and can be a desirable trait. However, being kind to yourself is essential to loving others ideally.

In this post, I will discuss some tips on how to try and become less of a people-pleaser and set your own personal boundaries:

Self-awareness

• Ask yourself questions and answer them honestly. If you find yourself doing something for someone else, ask yourself if it makes you feel good or affects your inner peace.

• We all compromise for the people we love, but we must ensure that when we do that, we do it for the right reasons. Before comprising, ask yourself if you are doing that because the other person won't compromise and you are scared of losing them or because you think it's something you can tolerate and would be okay with.

• Evaluate the relationship. Think back to different situations and check if you are always the one who is making an effort to keep this relationship and tip-toeing around that person so they don't leave.

• Understand the reasons behind your people-pleasing tendencies. Are you seeking validation, avoiding conflict, or fearing rejection?

Prioritize self-care.

• Make self-care a priority in your life. This includes taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. Examples include going to the gym or practicing a sport, reading a book, doing something artistic, or visiting a therapist when needed. Practicing self-care will help you value yourself and give you a feeling of satisfaction from within. It will also fix your relationship with yourself, and you will grow to value and understand your needs more.

• Set aside time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Have a schedule of different things that you want to do daily, weekly, and monthly. It could be as simple as meditating 10 minutes a day, reading ten pages of an exciting book before you sleep, or taking yourself out for coffee or something sweet. Spend time with YOU, and do not fear doing things alone. Do you know how many times I take myself out shopping? Well, A LOT!

Develop self-confidence.

• I know, easier said than done, TRUST ME! However, your need to please people comes from an insecurity or low self-worth, so you seek external validation. Remind yourself of all your good qualities and remind yourself that no one, not even you, is perfect, which is fine. As long as you are constantly working on being the best version of yourself, you are good to go!

• Practice positive self-talk and celebrate the little achievements. Remind yourself of at least one thing you like about yourself and write it down if needed.

• Wear things that make you comfortable and confident. We can follow a different trend. Make sure that, however, you are presenting yourself, you are choosing to feel comfortable in your skin and not choosing to impress others. This practice will get you used to valuing your own opinion over other people's opinions.

Understand that you cannot please everyone.

• Accept that it's impossible to make everyone happy all the time. People have different needs, expectations, and opinions. It is not your job to be everyone's Santa!

Learn to handle and accept criticism.

• View constructive criticism as an opportunity for growth rather than a personal attack. Think of whoever is "constructively" criticizing you as someone who cares about you and wants you to improve and be better. Keep these people close.

• Develop resilience, and don't let others' opinions dictate your sense of self-worth.

Be assertive.

• Communication is critical! Always find a respectful and assertive way to express your thoughts, needs, and feelings. People who care about you will care enough to listen, understand, and act upon your concerns. If someone does not, then you do not need them in your life.

• Stand firm in your decisions without being overly aggressive or passive.

Surround yourself with supportive people.

• Build relationships with people who appreciate you for who you are and support your authentic self.

• Always remember that healthy relationships involve mutual respect and understanding. A one-sided relationship where only one person puts in all the effort is toxic and will never last.

Remember, breaking old habits is not easy. Ensure you don't punish yourself if you realize you are still doing things the old way. Growth is not a straight-line process; it has its ups and downs. Change takes time, and failure teaches us important lessons. As long as you are not giving up on yourself and constantly working on learning and improving, then you are GOLD! Allow yourself time to feel everything, and sometimes even have a break and be lazy. It is okay if sometimes you have no energy to change things, but always pull yourself out of this after adequate healing.