How Beauty Standards Messed Up my Life

I am cut in half! Literally!

Two weeks ago, I decided to go under the knife to get rid of my extra skin after losing almost 60 kg within the past 5 years. I have been struggling with the decision to have this surgery because I knew that it was a painful one and that it would take a long recovery time. I tried going to the gym, lifting weights, stretching, etc.. YOU NAME IT! Nothing worked. Although overall health and body shape do improve, the skin is still there to remind me that although you have lost the weight, you're still not perfect, not good enough, you were fat, and never ever forget it..

Thus, naturally, I wanted to forget it.. I tried to delete that version of myself that was bullied, made fun of, humiliated, and weak. Which is why I risked my life in a 9-hour-long surgery to get all that skin removed, everything lifted, and to feel complete and perfect, maybe for the first time in my life.

The moment I opened my eyes and felt the pain, the cold, the tightness, and tiredness, I wondered, why me? Why did I have to struggle my whole life with my body, while others lived life normally? Do these people realize the blessing of being normal, of being able to eat without feeling guilty and hating yourself for doing something necessary for life to continue? Do these people realize what it feels like when your body rejects the food, and you feel the bites you eat in your throat till you throw them up? I started remembering when all my skinny friends complained that, oh, they gained a bit of weight, and it is very annoying, or what is more frustrating is when they complain about losing too much weight! When I struggle to lose even 1 kg. In my heart, for the first time, I felt dark.. I felt like I was a bad person for hating these normal people for having just an ordinary life because I never felt normal, and I never had a normal life. I realized something else that was even scarier: I also bullied myself, I was mean to myself, and I hurt myself more than anyone else. I used to stand up in front of mirrors and have the meanest conversations with myself: look at how ugly you are, what are these fat folds, how do you live with this tummy; I even used to hate my face and my features. My ultimate dream was to have a body similar to Victoria's Secret models; anything else was never good enough. Reaching my ultimate weight was not good enough, and I was wearing clothes I could never wear before. They were not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough. If I wrote a book, the title would be NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

I started remembering the bullying, hating myself, comparing myself to others because I was always compared to other girls by everyone around me. Looking at girls and wishing I looked like them; crying myself to sleep night after night and asking god why me? Why am I fat, short, and ugly? I started remembering my birthday wishes, and to my shock, I remembered that I used to wish for stomach cancer so that I would be able to lose a lot of weight.. What kind of a sad birthday wish is that? And what does that tell you about the person wishing for something like that?

Beauty standards have messed up my life and made me hate myself and possibly everything and everyone around me. This surgery made me realize that walking, talking, and even sitting comfortably is a blessing. If you have a body that lets you do that, it's perfect, no matter what! Do I regret the surgery? No. Was it painful emotionally and physically? Yes, but it made me realize that I need to be kinder to myself from now on. I need to love myself and my body because it can do many great things and has supported me for 31 years without a complaint!

For those of you who are looking to undergo any cosmetic surgery, think twice and hard. Do your research. Find the perfect doctor and ask him many questions about everything, even if it seems silly and minor. BE PREPARED MENTALLY! I had two friends who had done it before, and I asked them many questions. I tried to be as strong (mentally) as possible before going in. I still had so much emotional spiralling and pain. Be kind to yourself and accept that many factors contributed to your wanting to change something about yourself. Accept the past and move on to a better you with more sympathy for yourself!